Hilarious Letter To Santa Claus

The following had me in stitches!Enjoy the reading!



Feel Free to Use This Handy Christmas Form Letter


Scott Hollifield
MEDIA GENERAL NEWS SERVICE
Friday, December 9, 2005


Ah, Christmas. It's the only time of year when a home invasion by a fat man in a red suit doesn't provoke frantic 911 calls.

But who really has time to find the perfect five-gallon decorative tin of popcorn for Uncle Bertram, organize a boycott of retailers who wish us "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas" AND pen the annual letter to Santa Claus listing all those goodies we want from the retailers who wish us "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas?"

If only someone who makes a living, albeit a modest one in which macaroni and cheese is a luxury item, stringing those nouns and verbs together to form semi-coherent sentences that ramble on and on and on and on would create a form letter to Santa, many of us would have more time for shopping and boycotting.

In the spirit of the season, I've decided to be that someone. All you have to do is clip out the letter below, circle (using a No. 2 pencil only) the appropriate choices I've conveniently listed to personalize your letter, mail it to Santa Claus then hustle back to the mall.

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Dear Santa,

How are you? I am (a. fine b. a little gaseous after that microwave burrito c. under indictment for accepting thousands of dollars in illegal contributions from defense contractors).

Is it snowing at the North Pole? The weather here is (a. partly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of precipitation mainly after midnight; b. unpredictable due to global warming; c. controlled by the United Nations from a secret base on the moon).

I know you and your elves have been busy making toys for all the boys and girls. I, too, have been busy (a. at work; b. going to twice-weekly, court-ordered counseling sessions for "anger issues"; c. marching back and forth in front of Dave's Discount Stereo Outlet with a big cardboard sign reading, "If You Don't Like 'Merry Christmas,' You Can Go On Back To Communist China").

As you are well aware, this has been a difficult year for me personally, due in part to (a. an allergic reaction to the new carpet in my office; c. my wife leaving me for that Pilates instructor I always figured was gay; c. that meddlesome special prosecutor going around sticking his nose where it doesn't belong).

But, through it all, I have managed to be good or at least good enough for you to bring me lots of shiny gadgets. At the top of that list would be (a. an Xbox 360; b. a Hummer; c. a curvaceous swimsuit model to drive the Hummer while I sit in the back and play "Call of Duty 2" on the Xbox 360).

Lest you think I am focused too much on material items this year, I would also like (a. peace on Earth; b. an end to world hunger; c. oh, who am I kidding - a curvaceous swimsuit model to drive the Hummer while I sit in the back and play "Call of Duty 2" on the Xbox 360).

In closing, Santa, I am sure you are aware of the controversy this year regarding "happy holidays" vs. "merry Christmas." Since I don't know your feelings on this issue, I will safely sign off by wishing you and yours (a. a happy holiday; b. a merry Christmas; c. a wonderful Chanukah; d. a lovely Kwanzaa; e. a beautiful Boxing Day; f. a stress-free winter solstice; g. a festive St. Lucia Day; h. lots of fun at Keith Richards 62nd birthday party on Dec. 18; i. all of the above).

Now, back to the mall.

Scott Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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